I found your dream girl. She looked 11 but drove and on her key chain it said "if i am not wasted the day is"
i might have gotten away with it if "don't tase me bro!" wasn't the first thing i said when i rolled down my window.
i told him to take shots to cure a hangover and he told me i was "walking the steppingstones to alcoholism"
when did my "fat clothes" just become my clothes...diet starts tomorrow
thank you for tagging me in all my pictures as "skank" and yourself as "made by the hands of God"
Also, fighting a very strong urge to nickname your dick Whitey Bulger, at least for today.
I'm not sure drinking my way through west nile virus is the best idea. Oh well, already committed to that plan.
Why is there ANOTHER stolen fire extinguisher in my room? You know that's a felony right...
You are going to come home to a suitcase in the fridge. Just go with it.
Serio, who the fuck falls down coming offstage wearing nothing but pasties, a g-string, and a fake moustache, and now suddenly needs a tetanus shot. Me. That's who.
I felt like the hulk waking up from a black out except with munchies
I stopped him mid keg stand to show him how cute my bra was...
I am at a point in my life where I don't want to brush my teeth for my tinder date because toothpaste and martinis don't mix.
Can you pay somone's bail with a credit card or just cash? I feel like you would know this.
apparently ive been in a long term relationship for the past 1 1/2 years w/ out knowing
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