I think my grandma died before she was convinced I was straight
you said youd get me home safely, you dropped me off at 9:30 last night and i just woke up on my porch.
The parties out here are fucking awesome and I've got the grades to prove it.
Somehow last night, my dad got me so drunk that I ended up throwing up on the couch, turning the cushions over to hide it, and going to sleep on them.
Found a cheerleading trophy in my shower this morning. Explain.
he puked in my glove box, looked up at me and said "There's not much to say"
I had to wash my hair with conditioner because my sister got hammered and gave the dog a 3am sprinkler bath with my shampoo.
I have enough bourbon in me to put Justin's cat in the dishwasher.
I feel violated by Miley Cirrus's performance in the VMA's.
Remember the thing I sent you? "Often complex problems are best solved by thinking like an animal." Hump away!
I've had more lap dances than hrs of sleep since Thursday, this is why you're planning all three of my bachelor parties
You sent me a snapchat of you hugging a beer with the caption "best friend"
Mashed potatoes are always the fuckin answer ok.
I made the antidote to the nasty cognac. I AM THE GOD OF MIXED DRINKS.
Aiming to get laid tonight but if it falls thru I'm either gonna make a mixtape for my sugar daddy or sew a teddy bear for his newborn
Randomize
