I've decided to bang my pen-pal.
Every time I find out someone else from high school got pregnant accidentally, I want to declare victory over them.
I'm not sure what happened last night but I woke up next to him and I was wearing nothing but my grandpa's diabetic socks, so I'm letting that fill in the blanks.
He hasn't left the hospital without a nurse's number all year. My nurses are always ugly or men. Wtf bro
My life has come to reading articles about dating an ex heroin addict. I'm doing well.
Hey, scratch that. I've shit 8 times today. I don't have the energy to get laid so I cancelled my date.
Not even official and he's cleaned my puke twice. His hotdog skills are an added bonus. I've got a keeper
Please don't buy a buttplug. It won't fill the empty space in your heart.
It's like all the guys I keep around if I wanna have sex with all got mad at the same time. I guess I'll get out my vibrator again.
Today, I lack passion for anything but Taco Tuesday.
Why do I have a separate credit card just for booze? Because I saved enough points so Saturday we are flying to Denver to smoke legal weed and fly back in the same day.
I'm dangerously close to tossing this whole "morals" bullshit and swan-diving into the fuckboy lifestyle.
The vodka gummy bears are so strong. If I die of alcohol poisoning, please tell my dad it was single malt scotch.
I feel really sorry for my toilet right now
Of course he’s picking me up at the airport. I taught him the Lotus position last time we had sex.
Randomize
