I woke up and went to my kitchen naked and decided I wanted a fruit cup. Ate said fruit cup. Look over and notice my male neighbor is staring at me
High as balls & about to be tanning. Helloooo 15 minute vacay.
I get drunk and say inappropriate things... you get drunk and sleep with inappropriate people. it's what we do.
She stopped mid-blowjob to introduce herself to us
I decided that I do the same thing when i'm drunk with every guy who has a girlfriend...lecture them on how bad cheating is, then hook up with them. I'm like good cop, bad cop.
Bitches at mcdonalds acting like they never seen a girl puke in her own coat pocket before
you can't tell me it's over and send me pics of you and your cat?
I need you to know that everytime my toddler does the downward facing dog in the nude I think about the night you and your dude fell in love.
You know I love you. I just don't love your penis.
What is it with the dog running away when we have epic hangovers
In hindsight following that black guy in the ghostbusters costume was a terrible decision on everyone's part
Should I be scared that after we hooked up she took antibiotics with Sailor Jerry's?!
I mean of all the things to be cockblocked by, Taco Bell is pretty high on the list
I was trying to remember why my knees hurt then I remembered I was twerking on the countertops.
You should've seen the look on the guys face when I demanded pho and a beer the second they opened. Obviously he doesn't understand hangovers
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