do you ever just like the smell of your farts?
how the FUCK am I supposed to macarena while doubble fisting?
one day I'm really going to regret not using the boners I got in planes and cars
She's like a coupon for free blow jobs. No purchase necessary.
He just sent me a winky face in the middle of setting up a drug deal. You don't do that.
Someone took a picture of their balls on my phone last night. BEAUTIFUL PACKAGE. I will find this man.
Can we agree to not tell mom about this?
This isnt even the most disappointing thing i know about you.
I just did something so unspeakable in the panera bathroom that their health score dropped 10 points.
Between the uncertainly of my bowels today, and the distance the bar is to my house, remember I am doing this for you and our mutual appreciation of alcoholism.
You know it's a good weekend when you wake up on Sunday questioning your sexuality.
I can smell the sangria seeping out of my pores
If I do nothing else today, the fact that I talked you into this is achievement in itself.
At the end of the night i was really thirsty and tied to a bedpost
What can I say I sleep with 40 year old Cougars because my mother gave me away at birth and apparently that's why says my therapist
Well waking up naked, covered in Chex mix is not how I planned to start my Wednesday if that's what you're getting at.
Randomize
