So while she was giving me a lap dance I told her I quit med school. Just so she didn't feel like the only one who's made bad decisions in their life.
the fucking easter bunny is here. he just made 3 cups in a row. no one knows who he is..
I swear it's like I have a jerk off quota I have to meet each week. If I miss three days I have a wet dream and it's like a wasted jizz, and it gets everywhereeeeeee.
I just wanna not walk straight. Is that too much to ask for?
you tipped EVERY employee at white castle
ive penciled you in for a day of excessive drinking
I was basically shocked at how calmly you accepted my violently shoving a french fry in your mouth.
When the cops pulled up I just stood flat against the fence with my hands up while yelling out,"I'm a tree!!"...
This hurricane was the perfect excuse to buy 2 pounds of animal crackers and a case of beer. It's on Sandy.
wearing the bible to the ABC party, thought you'd appreciate that.
Like, you've got the smoothest dick in the west. Do you moisturize?
Yes I do
Pounded a bottle of Moscato in my underwear while watching Pretty Little Liars...am I really gonna be 30 next year?
New low. I just threw up in the shower at 4pm. Nothing like leaving behind my 20s with class.
Well I mean enduring a 45 minute conversation about C-sections was worth the 9 jello shots those soccer moms gave me.
I'm just going to assume my unresponsive booty calls are just preparing for the women's march tomorrow
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