Theres this tee in the mall and it says all girls just wanna have safe sex. U make me think thats a lie
I wish life was like dora the explorer where dancing pigs appear out of nowhere to solve your problems for you
i just opened the overnight bag i packed at 2am last night. Apparently all i thought id need was a handful of quarters, mascara and one sock
At my internship. I get drug tested tmr at 2
Are they going to pay you for the one day you worked?
i'm 6 minutes and 3 drinks deep before she gets here. she's do-able for a wednesday night, but i still need to mentally prepare, ya know?
I'm naked and wearing a cowbell.i love med school.
So hung over, I told one of the candidates she's hired if we can turn the lights off and take a nap instead of doing her interview. I feel like she has potential.
I got so drunk at the hockey game I bought everyone behind me in concession line a funnel cake.
Totally clawed myself in the face during sex. I can die happy?
Apparently she almost had an affair at Outback Steakhouse, details to follow when I get home but the apple really doesn't fall far from the tree
Fuck you and your widespread penis snapchat
Drink water, eat food, and stop tazing yourself
Like, I just want a guy who will drop what he's doing to come touch my vagina whenever I want and to leave me the hell alone whenever I want. Is that SO MUCH TO ASK??
He puked all over the side of the car and the head rest behind him...and then all he said was "America."
Can I borrow your pants?
WTH?
Just come to the men’s room and help me. The blonde bartender figured out I’m married. Rachel will definitely notice if come home pantsless
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