I wish there was a facebook app that filtered my notifications to show only the ones having to do with people who'll fuck me.
All i learned in high school was how to sell drugs
You know when its a good night when you have to be reminded IHOP is a family establishment.
You got my ass fired just for knowing you
thanks for the bacon
Now he's talking about how he's writing in a journal because he doesn't remember "his thought patterns when he was in elementary and that's distressing". I'm walking home. Fuck this.
Look on the bright side, you can mark 'beastiality' off your bucket list
Just checked my bank account while shitting blood. Neither action felt good when I was done.
Just fucked in his moms tanning bed. While it was on. Weirdest. Tan. Ever.
my brother walked in while we were fucking, silently took my bong from my closet, saluted us and walked out.
There's a big bag of salt and vinegar chips and a Budweiser for when you wake up. Don't say I never did anything for you.
The whole bar erupted and in happiness and confusion as I went on about pancakes.
Apparently duct taping your dick to your buttcheks before the first time she goes down on you isn't as funny as projected. She cried because she thought I was a girl the whole time.
They started shooting fireworks out of a dryer. It was my cue to leave.
I'm disproportionately drunk. But I also spelled disproportionately right twice so maybe I'm not that drunk
i love discovering the tokens of our drunkenness from the night before. it's like easter egg hunting. today: smashed pizza rolls in the sink.
You know the story of the boner party, right? They got stuck in the mountains and ate each other?
It was the Donner party... boner party was the porn version...
Randomize
