dude, i woke up naked in her front yard...apparently i tried to leave in the middle of the night, forgot my clothes and decided,"oh heres a nice patch of grass to sleep on" I think god is up there laughing at me.
Damn. That makes sense
I know im like the sherlok holmes of sexual problems
I just walked into his bathroom to see two poops floating... no toilet paper. WTF!?
i do some of my deepest thinking on my wednesday morning walks of shame
You had the genius idea to tape beer to the celing fan. There goes his security deposit. He is gonna be fuckin pissed.
rolling absolute tits, turn on the red lights for when i get home.
I just spent 20 mins in the shower washing n rewashing my body to get rid of stripper. I even loofa'd my face.
There is a check pinned to the wall at Connor's. It's a check I wrote for $1,000,000... To you. Clearly you made out well on St. Patrick's day. Thanks for being too shitfaced to remember to grab that.
You were a hurricane of blowjobs and glitter makeup. You came out of the closet and took the house down with it
Today I had sex and flossed at the same time. My relationship goals have been exceeded.
I'm really glad I had vomit on my sweater when I met his sister.
March Madness means a buffet of emotionally vulnerable dick at the bars almost every night. So yeah my vagina and I are big fans.
Um, just removed my insulin from the fridge so that I could fit our case in there. Tell me, who has their priorities straight? THIS GIRL.
She's not allowed to do acid anymore... she started crying because she thought she was an eagle.
Like if I exploded right now there would be cum and fajitas everywhere.
Randomize
