just realized the sink is the perfect height to piss into never cleaning the toilet again
My dad just questioned my drinking habits... Clearly he doesn't know what kind of college education he's paying for
My ex came to my place while I was gone. Random things he took: snow shoes, my laundry quarters, a decorative picture, all my condiments, the container that held my rice and a sticker off my wallet. Then left a note saying he watered my plants and fed my cats. What. The. Fuck.
12 trash cans filled with water. Beer cans floating in each, 12 ft apart. Dodgeball. Ultimate beer pong.
Rules. We have to wear superhero outfits
Where are you? This girl fell on a baby. She is just gone. Please Hurry
I'm hurrying
Dude. She just shit herself.
of course! give me a few hours to recover from chugging a 4loko out of a frisbee, and it will be rage time yet again
Someone younger than me just got married. Send help and vodka
Never play truth or dare with a girl who carries a dildo in her purse. I'll never go to a Denny's again.
I just sugar scrubbed my vagina. If I don't get laid tonight, me and the universe are gonna have some problems.
Ladies don't puke and tell
I ate 1200 calories worth of chocolate covered marshmallows and googled why it is okay to be single forever
No he reached for my hand at the beach. I pretended to be a seagull.
Last night was a sign that I need to stop sleeping with any girl that can quote the mighty ducks
Specially the ones that look like Goldberg
we went book shopping, so yes this relationship is going to be about more than sex
I’m drunk and naked and looking for my charger - title of my autobiography.
Randomize