I'm about two and a half drinks away from gay.
I'm coming over.
I don't know how I got here... but I think I'm in a Christian Impact meeting... I'm trying to act as straight as possible. They can sense gay.
Found a single cinnamon toast crunch between my butt cheeks. We did work last night
Someone else needs to become the bad example in our group
But you wear shame so well
Casually had to file a missing persons report last night
If you're receiving this text it's probably because I drunkenly flashed you on Saturday. Sorry for forcing you to look at my tits. That was uncalled for.
Just found a uh poem I wrote on ambien. It says to "cry your seamen filled tears" and "I hope you take a dagger to your vagina" and at the end it says "sincerely, God". What.the.fuck do they put in that pill?
She is watching her grandpa for the day and the dude just whipped it out and started jerking off while watching the View.
I just had the weirdest moment. Made eye contact at the bar with a girl who has seen my vagina.
we got kicked out of the bar last night for sneaking into the back kitchen and eating handfulls of cheese in the walk in fridge
My hand smells like rave and peanut butter.
I'm deleting Tinder. I got there he rubbed my back and then proceeded to jerk off on me.
We are gonna play a game I like to call what the fuck is in my pocket
That's the only way to watch Gumby. Either age 5 or high.
Everything is scary i hate being an adult i hate responsibility tell me a dick joke
Randomize
