I think she heard me call her a fat skank. But she was to be fair.
i never thought i'd have to say "please stop having sex on me"
wow.
yeah, it was that bad.
Just sold all of my pants in order to buy tonight's whiskey. Goodbye, high functioning alcoholism. Hello, Dad.
she insisted i was the anonymous guy on formspring that kept asking to bang her
Clearly I went along with it
I think I reached optimum potential when I summersaulted straight into a kiddie pool.
No, earlier you attempted Jenga with everyones shoes.
Please tell me joes at work safe and sound and doesn't smell like jail?
probably one of the worst weekends ever... i got peed on by his sleepwalking roommate.
I literally just biked home like I was on the last leg about to win the tour du France. Fuck diarrhea
I sent dad a photo of my graduation certificate from drug therapy class. It was his birthday so it seemed appropriate.
in a last ditch attempt to make life awkward after i die today i want to be buried naked and have an open casket funeral.
I know what you meant. If you want babies in time for your birthday, we gonna need either a time machine or a ski mask.
he apologises profusely for spelling mistakes in his texts but doesn't care about cheating on me. priorities
I slapped him but he didn't wake up. He just nuzzled my head, hugged me closer, and smiled.
Woke up with a squirrel in my bed, how was your night?
The dogs decided to play a new game called "Who Can Scream the Loudest?"
I won.
Randomize
