I just puked into a plastic bag at a red light. Go me.
My choices this week make me realize that I need to copyright the term "cock buffet"
I know. I just don't want anything else. I have no other desire. Just a ham sandwich.
I honestly don't know what to make of that.
A ham sandwich would be nice.
She compares her life to Teen Mom. She's 28.
I may or may not have just ruined a marriage. But in my defense I got all my drinks for free tonight.
Drunk. But sober enough to know I hate gymnastics.
Want to get drunk and look at an xray of my dick?
You kept running up to married couples, taking their pictures and begging for them not to get divorced
Are you coming to the bday night? i'll be doing a life-like reenactment of traveling through Bonnie's vaginal canal and taking my first breath of life. Don't think you'll want to miss it.
I can bring a slip n slide and curtains.
somehow this went from sexting to explaining my eating disorder.
I was informed this morning that I took all my clothes off and ran around the whole apartment complex. Being as they just moved in, welcome to the neighborhood.
You know the rule about how you feel bad for getting food and not offering other people you're around, does that apply when you eat burger king at a strip club?
As soon as you told us you were an ostrich with a big penis, we began to wonder what you were on and if you wanted to share.
Just got your voicemail. The 3am call wasn't a drunk dial, it was an I left my phone in my pocket then has wild animalistic sex dial...
I hate you.
You LOVE me.
I can’t believe you’re letting her use the Mercedes
It seemed like a better idea while she was giving me a hand job. It’s a good thing we weren’t having sex. Who knows what I would agree to during sex
Randomize
