So after I pop out this baby we need to just go on a monthlong coke binge so I can get skinny again before vegas
no. you're not making a beach trip out of my abortion.
Why did 20 jello shots in a row sound like a good idea last night?
We woke up, fucked twice, she drank 3 warm heinekins to cure her hangover and said "Im glad you're still hott when im sober"
Please delete that video of me blowing you. I will repay you with 100 blowjobs even better than the one I gave you during that video. Please. I am gonna be a grandma one day.
Totally sleeping on a bloodstained mattress tonight. I love life's little adventures.
The only thing I regret was that he was wearing a scarf when we made out.
I can't let him end my perfect streak. HE USED TO BE FAT
I thought he was having it in Athens. Alright. Have fun. Please save my dignity and refrain from talking about my boobs and sexual "abilities". If I have any. I just feel like they are going to ask. Repeat after me. And repeat it 5 more times. This is going to be the phrase you're going to rely on tonight: "I can neither deny or confirm such actions."
i know. like I have the nerve to talk about poverty. I eat peanut butter out of the jar.
So my roommate just came out of the shower with a dude...guess that answers all questions as to whether or not he's gay
That makes sense.. A good Bj is a trump card in any argument
I want to create a human. Discussion later.
who gets drunk at chipotle by noon and then gets kicked out? this chick.
You got drunk, made toast, and declared yourself a domestic goddess.
Randomize
