Woke up this morning to a janitor hitting me in the head with his bucket in the hallway of my building. An alumni was next to me because we locked ourselves out of my room and couldn't figure out where my roommates were.
she says it's "been amazing lately"
i think basically because i hate her so much i'm trying to break her in half
dont seek real advice from me tonight cause its always gonna end with we should have sex
New Jersey isn't a real state, it's just a myth you tell little kids to scare them like Canada or Carrot Top
The Wii Fit is already telling me I'm an alcoholic.
I just found a receipt from ace where I bought 1 lrg plastic funnel, 2ft of 1" plastic tubing, and a 48" toboggan sled. Thank you cashier #552 for letting that poor life decision happen.
If the blowjob was before the wedding, we're not technically related, right?
its not thanksgiving till you and grandpa shotgun beers out in the shed, and lose
He's a forty-something balding gay man with no boundaries or sense of social norms. Of course we should befriend him.
You didn't even properly utilize my pigtails.
Remember the thing I sent you? "Often complex problems are best solved by thinking like an animal." Hump away!
we're like the harlem globetrotters of underage drinking
Fuck this. I'm adopting 12 cats and naming them after the 12 disciples. Maybe Jesus will have sympathy for me then.
wait i saw you last night?
we found you ass naked on the couch covered in pillows.
I told her I wanted to go swimming and she responded with jello shots, taking off her clothes, and jumping into the pool...I think I'm in love
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