my house keeper must think I'm a prostitute.
I guess i tried to text 911 last night with "someone stole my bong." Thank god that doesn't work...
Dude wtf I'm sitting behind some girl in class who is creeping on my facebook page. I don't even know who she is..
of course he's cheating on me, she's 100x prettier and she can do the splits
Good news.. I found out what I did Saturday night. Bad news... I found out what I did Saturday night.
I'm still not walking right. We need some boundaries for "drink-or-dare"...
The beers last night were like the tears from god
I slept with him that night and I'm not sure if my lack of enthusiasm was obvious but I found him eating ice cream in the bathtub the next morning. Mom will be so proud.
We didn't have sex because he locked himself in the bathroom and passed out while he was taking a shit. I cuddled with his cat.
There's holes in the drywall and the beer pong table is a broken door on two barstools. You know they like to party.
I'm so high. Midnight pancake breakfast in bed
Can't find our DD
He's backstage giving the strippers foot massages.They kidnapped him the moment he walked thru the door.
How high were you when you left that message, cause you made honest-to-God, credible seal noises.
I'm taking pictures of my asshole to send to my boss. This is not what I had in mind the day after thanksgiving.
It's 7am. I'm making pizza & watching the Matrix. I will not be bothered.
To answer your next question, yes, I'm drunk.
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