someone lit off fireworks while I puked in the street. I was like congratulating me for making it through homecoming.
He refused my I'm sry gift of ANAL. That's how angry he was.
Do you know anything about the Easter basket sitting on my doorstep filled with porn and peeps?
It's official, I need to start putting my vagina's needs before my own.
Seriously-without actually meaning the statement for it's words- that made me want to put a baby in you.
I don't think I will ever be as happy about anything as this man next to me on the bus eating Taco Bell.
Suspicion confirmed. my mom has her nipples pierced
Way to crack the case Nancy Drew
I just woke up ass naked on top of all my sheets, with no blinds in my room because i used them as togas, my back is killing me, im covered in sharpie, i have no memory of last night, and im pretty sure im still drunk. I consider the night a success
Although now I have "number of cheese slices" as a unit of boob measurement in my head.
And I wasn't CONVICTED of a felony, I just committed one
Baked goods and tits. Hard to go wrong there.
...and if you can get the necessary ingredients to make the Buffalo Chicken Melt, I will latch forever at your Teat of Justice.
This is not a drill. I need a cape. And a tuxedo. Simultaneously. Repeat. NOT. A. DRILL....
Like seriously how stupid drunk do you have to get befor you start finding dolphin lighters and shit in your undergarments
I don't know what she did to me last night, but the scratches on my back indicate that I had sex with a Bengal tiger last night.
Randomize
