I want to take things slow emotionally, but fast physically
just chased whiskey with a pickle. i definitely recommend it
I want a vodka facial right about now. I'm talking about straight vodka bukkake
Drinking gin at a party, riding a giant inflatable walrus all around the living room.
I've carried my liver for over 24 years. If it can't carry me for the next 24 hours than it deserves to be damaged.
the gays at disneyland are vicious
I've reached the gravitational age where it's very hard to get my face and my boobs in the same shot without some kind of yoga involved .
I arrived home at 7am wearing nothing but my underwear and a fedora. I ate half a dozen deviled eggs. Put Katy Perry on repeat. And cried myself to sleep. We cannot go out on Thursday anymore
This girl invited us back on the promise of weed and strudel...she delivered neither.
Is it inappropriate to match with someone on tinder just to ask if the friend in his profile picture is single?
Turns out I screen transfered my streaming trucker restroom porn vid to the downstairs neighbors'TV instead of my own, damn you chromecast
I think this Canadian beach volleyball player might be my soulmate. We could check each other's shoulders for melanoma.
I was randomly pulled aside to have my bag checked. It had 50 condoms in it.
I remember walking into a bathroom stall that had a couple fucking in it and giving them a condom and a thumbs up and then leaving
Promise me if ever I think I can't do anything, remind me that I waxed my own butthole
Randomize
