Everytime she opens her mouth it's like a fucking terrorist attack on my life.
I am unfriending an ex-one night stand because his profile picture is of his wife's ultrasound.
she said, "is it ok if I touch it?" that's when I knew I was in trouble... I knew she was a virgin but seriously..
He googled "how long will i be drunk" and just started crying
I haven't seen any of my friends sober in months. We have classes together.
Found out that it IS actually possible to get road head from somebody in the back seat
I refuse to go to this wedding alone, or sober. Practice drunk-walking in heels and a Bridesmaid dress begins tonight.
She told me my pubes were as soft as "fine wool"
We opted you as the sacrificial dick tonight. We need our patron cafe. Go make some moves.
I'm gonna have sex with my clothes on and I'll know everyone there so I'll be in my comfort zone
We told her to calm down. She said "I'm Buddha!". Then army crawled to the cooler for more vodka.
Attempted to dodge my boyfriends cum last night and ended up falling off the bed and getting the worlds most painful charlie horse. fuck my life.
I broke my arm trying to do a hand stand in my shower to wash the hate out of my asshole.
JUST BECAUSE I ANSWER THE DOOR NAKED CARRYING A BOTTLE OF RUM DOESN'T MEAN YOU CAN STARE NEIGHBORS.
Rationing the toilet paper. Only one wipe allowed. I'm scared to move too much.
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