he needs to stop telling all his friends what my queefs sound like. its getting awkward to be around people who can quote my vagina.
if I see one grey pube I'm spitting his penis out!
Her eyebrows were plucked so thin that she had to have gonorrhea. Clean girls just don't pluck that way
im eating mac and cheese with a makeup brush. there is wayyyyy too much wrong with this night.
Dancing naked to Celine dion - im alive. No better way to start the day
No. I heard a cover of "my heart will go on". This is not sanity.
he wouldn't lick chocolate syrup off of me because he's vegan. most awkward shower ever.
were facing impending death from north korea and were sitting here snorting tylenol to get high.....where did our lives go wrong?
If we don't rescue him from the fat chick soon, she is going to eat him alive and suck the marrow from his bones.
Is 36 too old to fuck a college student? THIS IS BOTH IMPORTANT AND TIME SENSITIVE
I'm too over dressed and drunk for this emergency vets office
I cuddled with a man named Pickles
He's the douchy one who wouldn't let me rip his shirt off, right?
Btw I thought it was impossible to use up 48 bottles of patron in one night but I was wrong...
Accidentally mixed my gin with cold brew coffee instead of cranberry juice. It’s bad. But I’ll finish it. Never leave a fallen soldier.
Randomize
