You know the @ sign on twitter? i wish there was one of those in real life so that the smokin' hot guy at the bar would know the slutty unbuttoning of my shirt was directed @ him, not @ his friend who looks like Mickey Rourke post-face melting
This show inspires me to have sex in space
After what u did to that bathroom I think the $30 and the "sorry I'm a jackass" note was the thing to do.
i could have sworn she did an overextended split with her legs over her head but now i think it was just the drugs
everyone at work keeps looking at me like they know I got the herp this weekend
I judge a person on how well they respect their vaginas... I can tell by the lack of respect she has for hers I dislike her.
Today needs to die. The mail delivery guy watched me throw up in my yard while taking my chihuahua out in Christmas pajamas at noon. Low point in my life.
Do me a favor. Next time I think it's a good idea to take pulls from the handle, yell "FALCON PUNCH" and uppercut me in the taint. My future liver thanks you.
I take it that, because we are not guzzling a box of franzia, everything went alright?
Just rolled up to a matinee showing of THE HOBBIT. At the dollar theater. Alone. In sweats. With a fifth of sunnybrook and leftover pizza in a ziplock. There's a dude here in cape with his elderly mother. I'm handling this breakup FIIIIIINE.
So I just sneezed blood everywhere. On the upside. After yesterday I feel way more confident AND I give even less of a fuck.
Walked in on my roommate covering his dick in blue frosting. Am staying with my folks for the Forth. See you Monday if the brain bleach works.
I have someone saved in my phone as "This Hoe Ain'tit' Loyal" and I'm missing my superman boxers. Explain.
Now all I want to do is stay up, drink wine, and look at dragons.
and please, if you feel the urge to call me crying tomorrow night, do so. i will be home bored and sober.
Randomize
