I seem to have left my pride at pride
i've been called drunk 4 times today and it's only 3pm
I woke up and we were making out. So the good news is that after two years off the market, I haven't lost a step. I'm picking up girls in my sleep now.
Yo. I have a shitload of cardboard. We have to build a smoke hut in the smoke room with a tunnel connected to a cat house. This way the kitty can join us whenever she pleases
THAT DOESN'T MEAN YOU SHOULD LET ME CHUG VODKA.
It's sad that your definition of adulthood entails banging your boss after getting hammered at happy hour, and putting the tab on the company credit card.
I just bid on a $9000 car because I think its my ex-girlfriends. Yes I wanna hit that again.
Currently behind the bar at some asian place, pouring drinks for everyone with a snake around my neck
We had sex in the bathroom. Good sex. Toilet breaking sex.
Nothing is creepier than a guy telling you "I was just thinking about you" in a men's bathroom when taking a shit
At first I was horrified but then he explained that he shave a "soul patch" on his balls... And I was still horrified, but I went with it.
Hey by the way did you notice my third nipple in my snapchat
He said I taste like cake. Like funfetti. So I feel like if he doesn't come back for that he's just dumb
My arms in a cast, how am I supposed to have sex with only one hand?
more importantly I need two hands to eat pie
just threw up in a gas staton parking lot in front of a father and son. stared them in the eyes and finished like a boss
Randomize
