You admitted to me in secrecy that you want to jerk off a unicorn.
I drank so much Goldschläger last night, I could shit a necklace.
No, I don't think Michelle is a squirter. And if I've had anal sex, the Obamas have.
She was kind of put off because I kept calling her baby my spirit animal and staring hungrily at her breasts.
You may or may not have poured bacon fat down her shirt
Second wind. Either that or my heart is about to explode. I'm hoping the first one.
Who the fuck did i sell my right shoe to last night i need to get that back im not walking with one shoe on
Do you have any pics of the gummy penis incident?
I was watching porn and wanted to change the tab to another video to cum but I clicked the wrong tab and it was a gif of a dog but I was coming and couldn't do anything so did I jill off to a dog? I feel like I should be guilty
Move ovrr Titanoc and all you others. Heres the real tale of woe. This ladys failed search for boozdy goodnezs.
We celebrated our relationship by shotgunning beers on his lawn in our underwear. I may have to marry this man...
Showing girls my stab wound was not the brilliant idea I thought it was.
What the hell happened to the sandwich meat I just bought?
After you smoked, you made 8 ham sandwiches.
Guess that explains the mysterious disappearance of the bread...
He just got back from doing field research studying wild chimpanzees in the goddamn jungle. Obviously I fucked him.
I saw some guy masturbating in the Burger King parking lot and I’m just fucking done
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