Some girl just asked us for directions back to campus. we told her to take the first four lefts. We live on a block. she believed us
Is it standard protocol to defriend someone after they give you chlamydia?
last day of my family cruise we all got trashed and had an award ceremony. I got the award for hooking up with a cougar. my grandma hugged me and said im living up to the legacy. this is why my familys better than yours
It was like getting head from an anaconda
I need to get skinnier so that I know when pregnancy scares are real...
the boys love us. they call us "the stoner girl suite down the hall". not very inspired, but flattering nonetheless
I just watched the lion king for the first time in years. It's like the equivalent of a really good blow job.
I can't talk to her. I know entirely too much about her genitals to hold a conversation without mentioning them.
I'm hoping that by this time next year we will be smoking some weed at a gay wedding, asking "Mitt who?"
Two ladies just showed up with my fucking purse. It was in the fucking street. I'm a train wreck. As a financial advisor, this shouldn't happen. I should be an adult.
I have bruises all over my body. Seriously, I'm a train wreck. I'm too damn old for hangovers like this.
I just ironed my gstring.. this is please fuck my brains out on a whole new level.
So your telling me I can lick your ass but you CAN'T spend my money
You don't have to buy me dinner, watch tv or even hang out if you don't want. Just fuck.
I need an outfit that says "thanks for hiring me" but also says "i want dick in my mouth".
I talked to his mom for a good 10 minutes with coke all over my nose. Not the best first impression
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