Make note: the first date is too soon to make the "condoms are only for making balloon animals" joke.
Not only did a random toaster end up in my house last night, it's also full of skittles.
Someone just uploaded pictures on facebook of you making out with random girls. I'm telling you because I'm assuming you don't remember anything, but the 236 pictures in the album should give you a good clue.
Chillin with my Grandpa and my grandma tells us there is a tornado warning. My grandpa then says "We'll go hang out in the basement, we can bring the keg with us." This is why I love coming home
It's confirmed. We did xmas carol the grocery store across the street from his building at 2:30am... Only the staff was there.
Apparently throwing balloons filled with vodka off the roof is considered terrorism.
Highlight of the week: I had sex with a B movie star wearing an eye patch.
Passed out on the bench in the men's bathroom. Feel much better now.
when I said energy drinks I meant cocaine
Just had a talk about safe sex with my mom. Not about protection. About the very real possibility of a "penile fracture". Gotta love having a nurse for a mother.
Getting "I couldn't find the front door so I climbed in through window" drunk seems to be a habit of yours
I do not mind being torn from the first touches of sleep to see a man who looks like that
Riding your boyfriend's dick for an hour then waitressing for 8 hours. Would not recommend.
I have a weird question... did you bite my back last night?
I just found out why people like handcuffs.
Randomize
