and then he publicly announced her herpes on facebook.
You stole my camera, took a picture of yourself and said "that's beautiful, just as beautiful as our waitress".
Stories of my weekends have cause divorces, are you sure you wanna hang out?
If he comes over tomorrow, im answering the door naked. Simple as that.
I recommend we watch the Super Bowl together and have celebratory sex if we win. Good news is I don't have a team I dislike so were guaranteed a win.
How the fuck did I get back? Last thing I remember is being on some hot guy's shoulders yelling at girls shaking their asses
We'll talk about it later...
Welcome to the single world where it seems vibrator batteries are in short supply and making a sandwich while naked at 2am is relatively normal
Not only did my parents pick me up from his hotel room in the morning, but he also came outside and had a casual little chat with my dad through the driver's side windrow.
The best part of Easter was watching all his colorblind cousins try to find the eggs.
He and I are in a competition of who can sleep with the most people at work. We're tied at two. I could win this if they'd stop hiring damn straight girls.
I didn't even mind that he came early I just wanted to get eaten out and cuddle
I'm actually pretty sure the amount of alcohol I drank last night erased memories from other times in my life.
Attention, i sprayed windex on me to disguise the scent of sex and regret off my clothes from last night
He fucked the hangover right out of me. That good.
Don’t judge me
Some of us don’t have access to dick on a constant basis
Randomize
