just found out my sister was breast fed and i was not...pretty upset about that.
How was your sisters wedding?
Oh, I didn't go. I slept through my alarm. I finally woke up and was like...I don't think so.
sisterhood ftl.
My mom walked down and caught me drinking by myself, watching the nanny at 3:30AM. I had no idea what to say
They're all gay and their wifi network is named HOMOS. I want to live with these people.
She always manages to outslut me. I can't keep up
It's so cute when the exchange student uses "blowjob" as a verb.
She texted her brother about how much she loved his hot tub. He responded three days later that he wasn't aware he owned a hot tub.
It's not quite a landing strip... It's more like a soul patch for my vagina.
Some Russian dude just came up to us and I'm pretty sure he offered his girlfriend to have sex for 80 bucks. Whoever said porn movies were unrealistic.
You kind of have a nervous, desperate thing going on that isn't exactly catnip for bitches
After her AA meeting, she was on the phone with her mom, and when she said, "they're making me start over with Step 1," I quietly sang, "cut a hole in the box".
the other day i was so high i found pages and pages of pictures of HD hamburgers and patriotic music. bong rips for merica.
I love you too! Remember NO alcohol or weed at my residence because of legal ramifications.
Nothing says girls night like wine cheese and pregnancy tests 😂
I've been trying to fall asleep with ice packs covering my vagina for the last hour... Sorry for being vulgar. I'm going to kill myself.
Randomize
