the guy I was hooking up with asked me if he could wear a guerilla suit during sex.
you have to give me like a days notice for these kinds of things, you cant just call at 9 am and expect me to be sober
Going to a party tonight. Sorority girls will be there. Primary goal of the night: make one cry. Secondary goal: become a father.
i think my mom would be mad if i was pregnant. last time i was she grounded me for a week.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Just got the orientation leader spot. For the first two days, I will be one of the best looking guys on campus. The freshman girls will be so disappointed they settled for me when everyone else comes back.
She just kept tellin me God was coming back and he was leavin her with a bag of stale doritoes and shitty friends.
He tried to make eye contact, he should know by now that freaks me out
So we are lighting beer bottles on fire and breaking them in half to make glasses
That sounds dangerous
Don't worry......were wearing oven mits.
Just took 11th shot of tequila. I may puke in my bear head.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I should start an etsy shop with all the jewelry and clothes women leave at my house
I drew a giraffe.. But she did say that bumped that test up from a 39 to a 40. It's the little things.
People don't tend to fuck with you when they think you have someone else's blood on your face
Things I Learned Tonight: I have no future in goat wrangling. Herding. Whatever you call the ridiculosity that just transpired.
the bright side of moving is at least my Tinder options will refresh
my life is like one bad, slutty lifetime movie.
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