Dude, I had to masturbate just to stay warm. Please pay the gas bill?
you wore rainboots all night because you said the forecast called for wine spillage
I will fight anything that is not spinning right now
You sprayed lysol all over me. You said that my soberness was infecting your night.
yea i really dont care about the sex, i just want him to eat my vag. He has to be good at because of his tremors.
currently pooping in a public restroom while drinking free beer. there has never been a finer line between awesome and depressing.
But seriously I don't know. I haven't seen her since I gave her back her 3 blind mice stick, and she just started hitting everybody with it.
High-fiving last weekend's hook up in passing on the way to class has given me quite the lady boner.
Xanax and cookies, it's good to be home
Masterbating to Tolstoy. You?
found my cat trying to steal a lighter to hide away for himself. cat what are you doing. don't pocket my lighter.
i passed out in front of ihop...for the second night in a row. i think i need to reevaluate my life choices
Pretty sure he proposed because my house is awesome. His ass is a ten and he's offering to pay more than half the bills... How expensive is a divorce really? I mean I could probably put up with him for three or four years but a lifetime is a big ask.
Look. All I'm saying is that if the USWNT can win a shit ton of medals and have two gay love stories with happy endings, there's still hope in this world
I came twice AND he sent me home with edibles. I think he’s a keeper.
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