I gave her the chance to be interesting and she failed. So then I gave her a chance to be slutty and she failed at that too.
It's Friday afternoon and I'm drunk. This is how I cope.
Beer vodka and pink lemonade powder mixed together. So. Many. Penises. My vagina will be calling out to them tonight. Coooooooooooooome.
Breaking up as roommates was a poor life decision. I'm sorry. Thank you for never shitting on the floor.
You know it's bad when I can already feel tomorrow's hangover before even drinking today.
Remember, ur body isn't a visitors center
Moments after comforting her about her boyfriend issues I found myself in the other room showing him my tits.
Dude, just found out there's a monster in a video game named after me. No more dating nerds.
Again??? Now we can't ever fucking go there again STOP PEEING IN FOYERS
Hooked up with a guy dressed as Miss Frizzle last night... Asked if I could ride his Magic School Bus
I'm definitely not at Wal-Mart eating jalapeno poppers with an elevated blood alcohol content
I just set up a proportion to calculate how much Jolly Rancher vodka I can make with the limited amount of Jolly Ranchers I have. Finally, real-life application of math.
There were firefighters and a fire truck up the street. I asked what was wrong and their exact words were "Just a tiny explosion; it'll be all right"
She fucked my eyebrows.. I've never had that done before.
Wait... Plucked, or Fucked?
Fucked, but I understand your need to clarify
After drinking all day I popped an adderal, slammed three beers in a row, apparently told the bartender "thanks bitch" then ran on stage.
Randomize
