Come back if u want to. I'll do some dirty shit to u mamacita.
You hook up with other guys, let him talk to other girls.
no
At the doctor. They're doing a flu test now. He was like "where do you think you got this?" I said "bachelor party. Strippers." he goes "okaaaay I'll put 'other'."
I didn't know it was possible to make picking up dog shit look sexy.
She did the bend and snap...
id like to know how you successfully locked me in your backseat last night
cat food counts as protein by the way
He cooked me dinner. I showed my appreciation by showing up shithoused and breaking a bottle of steak sauce on his floor.
I mean, we started to hook up but my asthma attack kind of killed the mood
Remember that pineapple I soaked in vodka last month? Just found it- nothing is growing on it? Think it's safe?
Can't decide which I like more. Telling a girl she's pregnant or telling her she has herpes. It's the little things that make medicine tolerable.
I'm starting to think you fell asleep on your kitchen floor pantless with salsa spilt around you
Talked to the dude for a hour . I now know where he lives, his occupation, his goals, his dreams and what his dick looks like.
Why am I sleeping on top of the fridge?
You were playing hide and seek with the dog. she couldn't find you and you passed out.
I just took like 30 condoms from the doctors office... no one can say I don't try to save my money.
well tomorrow I get to eat fungus and go to an abandoned city.
most people would fear that statement, but i wish to join you
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