You went to the wrong car, tried to open the locked door, and started crying because you thought we were playing a mean trick. Then the owner came...
So, remember how that one doctor said it was 1 in a million that I'd get pregnant...
Yeeah thank god
Well..welcome to parenting Mr. one in a million.
You just kept insisting that you and the homeless man went way back, and that you bonded over how cold you both were.
Almost told my boss I was an expert aat swallowing when he questioned my ability to take excedrin,xanax, and a vitamin all at once. It was a medicinal gang bang lubricated by arizona tea.
If is anything like my past relationships, I have no doubt that I will single-handedly reignite the Cold War
I hooked up with some guy to get over my ex last night. I was terrified until we started doing naked pushups.
Unfortunately hes not a hipster douchebag with no life goals, so naturally I'm not interested.
The dude at Coffee Bean just handed me my tea latte and whispered, "pomegranate blueberry is such a sexy flavor". With a wink. I'm almost certain that there's an STD floating around in my drink.
YOU KNOW BRAZILIAN BOYS ARE MY WEAKNESS
I actually had to tell him that sex doesn't replace my Tupperware. Our relationship has reached a weird level.
So his shoes are still here. And there are three contacts in a case. And a shirt on the bed. I've checked my dorm and he's not here. I'm so confused.
Her rack rivals that of the deer I shot last season. You need to get after that.
He's a freak. Not like "freak in the bed" freak but like "eats glue in the weekends" freak.
why the hell are you crying over taco bell?
They want a bedroom just for their cats. And you thought we were gay.
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