I don't even remember his name...i'm just gonna save it as birthday sex
You filled up my voicemail with a slurred but graphic depiction of how you were humping a fire hydrant.
Somebodaw call 311 postw fire bunso on vietena floorwnkd
He told everyone he was freezing their keys so they couldn't drive drunk. When I opened the freezer this morning, my keys were at the bottom of an unfrozen ice cream tub of vodka.
Lots of alcohol. 3rd graders fuck me now.
Auto correct or actual 3rd graders?
I woke up to a shot of jager next to my face. I felt bad for it so i drank it
Hey man, sorry about punching you in the face, also about turning the shower on you. I just really wanted you to drink some water.
I'm not saying you did or didn't sleep with him but he's has your thong hanging from his ceiling fan
Just lectured your brother about using condoms when hooking up with girls he meets online. I should be a fucking life coach
they set my background as his mugshot to remind me "having a big penis won't be a valid excuse in a court room."
We grabbed as many adult diapers as we could and made a run for it.
I think I fell asleep on the dance floor at one point...but played it off cool and acted like I just did the robot.
Just for future reference. Do not do zumba while stoned out of your mind.
One of the Mormon boys that comes to the door is really sexy and I always think 'I would absolutely destroy your faith'
im about to bake her parents a "thank you for making such beautiful babies, ive had sex with all 5 of them" cake
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