Everytime she opens her mouth it's like a fucking terrorist attack on my life.
I just figured it out. Meghan has the same smile as Sylvester Stallone.
Thank you for leaving pool of vagina on my girlfriends carpet.
Getting a high five from your dog when you're stoned is one the greatest rewards of being a pet owner.
he was drinking cheap vodka with warm tap water and a packet of crystal light. if that's not an alcoholic then idk what is
He was literally going down on me and giving me a foot rub AT THE SAME TIME. What more can I ask for?
I don't think I'm allowed to have Burger King. What if i just chew for taste and not actually consume. Like a wine connoisseur for fast food
Got paid 100 bucks to babysit a kid for five hours while hungover. I slept the whole time and threw up twice. Yes 100 bucks.
i just looked at those "hey" messages and i was so confused and then i remembered we were practicing texting with our tongues.
Yeah, last night in the parking lot was hot. I'm sure whoever has the surveillance tapes thinks so too.
My skirt was too short for the church and I brought my flask to the Scrooge play. God bless us, everyone!
My blue shorts are now brown from all the stripper fake tan
Please remind me tomorrow that I ate a loaf of jimmy johns bread on the toilet 5 mins ago
I sent him a tex saying, "I thought my intentions were clear" drunk me has some balls.
you thought the best thing to say to him was "you aint no fuckin cop"
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