im like that movie w. ryan reynolds, no ones ever going to date me unless they're forced to marry me.
update: the house isnt on fire anymore, but he is still pissing on all your stuff.
the house was on fire??
shit I thought I told you.
i have a reoccuring irrational fear i'm going to walk in on my dad masterbating. Night.
He looks like Spencer from the game Dreamphone
you win again, gameday.
America approved of our night. A bald eagle flew over us at 7am
Ohh god. I'm so nervous. This is terrible. He just introduced me as "the best girlfriend of his life" and Jenny as his "sexual roomate"
I found the perfect eye liner, it passed the blow job test, no smudging!!
Good news: he out-ran the campus police. Bad news: they were chasing him toward the REAL police.
I spent part of my valentines extracting candy hearts from a woman's vagina. The entire time I was thinking "this job pays for my Mercedes. This job pays for my Mercedes. This job pays for my Mercedes."
can i text him and be like "oh yeah, forgot i kinda made out with a girl this weekend. For future reference, does this count as cheating?" ?
Sorry I sent you a video of a singing reverend last night, I was really high.
i just drunk stumbled into my home... to figure out that we moved 2 weeks ago..
Got a $290 noise violation last night for shouting "THE KING OF THE NORTH" til 2 am
No no. Thank you. Killed multiple birds with one penis.
Randomize
