"Ever since I killed her kid she be actin' shady." Actual quote overheard at Marine World just now. Oh God.
I just woke up my dad to tell him that i made out with the drummer. He wasnt as excited as I was.
ew. I made a sandwich, and the cheese reminded me of her vagina
My vagina hasn't been this smooth since I was 8. I better get laid tonight.
tell me why there is a bowl of oatmeal from starbucks in my purse
The last thing I remember is pushing my way into the bathroom and dumping a 40 on him. We havent talked since.
You should try cooking mac & cheese naked sometime. It's quite relaxing.
I swear god is testing me by giving me awesome guys with tiny penises
Would it be wildly inappropriate for me to tailgate a Jonas brothers concert?
He called me skinny, I broke his garbage disposal, then denied him sex. Normal second date etiquette.
Found another bruise from Saturday #stopliquor2014
You're acting like you didn't chug fireball, like duh you have bruises you drunk betch
I haven't reeked of cheap beer and poor decisions in months. I officially hate adult life.
I JUST GOT WOKEN UP TO HIM PISSING ON ME SAYING "IT HAS TO HAVE WATER TO GO TO THE BATHROOM" AND AFTER HE FINISHED HE DIDNT REMEMBER DOING IT
So I got offered a job this morning based on being a "good role model for girls" and I am drunk at 330 in the afternoon in "celebration." sometimes, life is insane. But not so bad.
We could just go to Vegas and celebrate my singlehood and not contributing to the population.
Randomize
