the last time I saw her she was leaving the mens bathroom and club rush with her dress inside out. typical tease.
Sometimes I feel like I shouldn't drink when I come out of a black out half naked covered in puke. Then I realize thats why I drink.
I woke up, mistook him for my ex, and started screaming. It was all that chest hair. I don't think this relationship is going anywhere.
terrible decisions. terrible terrible terrible decisions.
who'd you have sex with.
I feel like a squirrel prepping for the winter on dollar beer nights.
I need someone to meet me at the end of the road and throw captain morgan at my face like they do with water at marathons
Sorry, all I could picture was you jamming your dick into a lemon.
WHAT THE FUCK JASON, WHY IS THERE A FREE BLOW JOBS BY LISA SIGN IN MY FRONT LAWN WITH MY PHONE NUMBER ON IT?! PEOPLE ARE PULLING INTO MY DRIVEWAY!
Okay so.. What's with me and guys who have more than 2 nipples
Flacco has been sacked like 7 times. His name also auto corrects to Flaccid. That's so sad
I forgot to tell you, that tinder guy literally lives 15 floors beneath me. I have been creepily saying things to him like "I see youve got a hammer on the patio"
I couldn't even tell you how many times I've said "wrong hole" today
what happened to you last night?
I dunno man, i pissed in a urinal, sent you a picture of my vagina and woke up with 25 bar stamps on my arms.. you tell me
yeah i wanted to show him what i was missing, so i decided to send him a seductive picture, like the ones where the girls are eating strawberries and whipped cream. well i didn't have those, so i sent him a picture of myself naked eating a bagel
I made out with the hosts' boyfriend, infront of her, drank way too much, slept in my car and convinced everyone that I'm really a nice person. If that's not skilled lying, I don't know what is.
Randomize
