Some girl just toasted to friendship and love. I want to break her neck.
Do you ever look at a vegetable and think "that would be awesome to shove up my vagina"?
well let's see. after you forcefully shoved a half-eaten apple in my mouth, you ruined the pepsi by dumping an entire beer in there.
Brought 2 entire pizzas with to the bar, everyone loves us
That girl that gave me a blowjob, I think I fired her last year.
Who is he, asking me if im dtf without a question mark
...
I mean, I love her. But not "I'll have a threesome with her." Type of love.
I found him on the floor in the kitchen eating cheese and tomato. I mean a block of cheese and whole tomatoes, he was alternating. Thats why your cheese has teeth marks.
So...guess who had sex tied to the ladder of a caboose under the stars in Joshua Tree? This bitch
I ate shrooms on a frozen river in an ice fishing shack after a day of vics and beer and walked around on the river in a stupor. They made me bite the head off of a fish.
I saw the attitude and didn't even try. Line of the night from one guy who talked with them for a while said, "I don't meet you standards. I have a job and would treat you well." She was blank faced.
If you can't have hot, loud sex in a dorm for the last time ever, what can you do in this world?
"Why is there a bottle of Tequila taped to the fan?"
My boss's toddler just went through my bag and found your vibrator...you owe me a drink.
My dad told me that my grandparents are giving me $20,000 and my actual response was "do you know how many kittens I could buy with that?!?"
Randomize
