Maybe I lied like you did about your herpes.
She has a t-rex face on a stuart little body.
'Watching yourself cry on Photobooth' is the new 'watching yourself cry in the mirror.'
Do you understand how much easier life would be if fannypacks were normal
then he asked me if i wanted to "handle his wingman"
Ohh man do you know how awkward it is to keep eye contact and have a normal conversation with someone while their hand is in your vagina?
God, for the last time, no I did not break my nose doing a keg-stand just for a nose job.
I will not fill you in on the details until we get back, so do not ask. I got peed on by the girl I was hooking up with last night.
At a party. It smells like teen pregnancy and sadness in here.
Is there a non-awkward way to tell a girl I work with that she looks just like my favourite pornstar?
So the contents found in my winter coats this year: coat 1, condom and 10$. Coat 2, condom and 75$ check. Coat 3, 2.05$ and a sunflower seed.
Obviously coat 3 had the best time since you used the condom and all of the money
I was just randomly reminded of the night you were wrapped up in a bed sheet carrying a full bottle of cookie dough vodka and warning neighbors of the weirdos running around
My boss followed me on Twitter. Excuse me while I delete 90% of my tweets
Y'know i appreciate how accepting you are of me being a terrible person.
THERE ARE NO EMOJIS TO SHOW MY SEXUAL FRUSTRATION
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