Was i wearing a white blazer when you superpoke danced me??
Did we have sex?
No you put the condom on then passed out on the bed so I left
If they made snuggies with a sleeve for my morning wood, id consider buying one...
just put cider in my bong. gotta love fall
i went to a real vip club. the bathroom attendant was wiping down counters after girls wearing gucci did lines of coke on them. where did MY life go wrong
When you went through airport security you asked if the could check if a baby was in there. That drunk.
Did I crawl through the hotel lobby all the way to our room?
You would not believe how incredibly hard it is to climb on top of a three story apartment buildings roof from the air conditioning unit
so the good news is that i can't possibly burn my eyelashes off tonight at the bbq.
you should have walked with me to my car. you just missed a girl rip off her bra and throw it into a dumpster and scream mardi gras
He told me that his favorite part about me is hearing my voice while we fuck. I think that was the nicest thing he has EVER said to me.
He sent me a snap chat of his naked torso with cookies over his nipples. Like.... that does not make me want you homeboy.
Fair warning birthday party last night avoid kitchen & upstairs bathroom if you value your remaining sanity
You know you're high when you find yourself sitting on the floor with the refrigerator door open, talking to various foods. Hand gestures and all.
My boss walked into my office and gave me a toothbrush and tips for dealing with sex hair. She knows what’s up
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