My dad hugged me and said I love u. I'm glad I didn't pull out that night.
home. puking in laundry basket.
I'm sitting on the patient chair, waiting for my vagina to be violated & "i don't want to miss a thing" has been playing on repeat. WHY IS THIS HAPPENING TO ME.
as she was beating the hell out of his ex, she screamed prison rules, and smashed her head with a beer bottle. I'm oddly afraid yet so attracted to her now.
your mom just called me and asked me why i'm not in jail with you right now.
I miss your penis. I'm telling you this as a friend, like its just a really great penis. You should be proud of it.
In the middle of having sex, she said "if we continue, we're dating." I then pulled out and sat in the corner, naked. I deserve a Medal of Honor.
I found ecstasy taped in my armpit... thank you drunk Marissa.
Maybe your new years resolution should be not to fuck in Sears bathroom anymore.
I woke up to the sound of gentle rain, only to realize I was laying under a urine trough in the men's restroom. Fuck you, bourbon. Fuck you.
Today's forecast: A sex tornado warning has been issued in your area. Counties affected include your bed, your shower, or your couch. This warning is in effect until further notice. Signs of a sex tornado include: your girlfriend coming up with a huge analogy to inform you that she's ungodly horny today.
we can fight about whose fault it is later....naked.
Yeah I'm at work. Nothing like the threat of blowing chunks on passing cars to make you feel alive.
No actually you're a pro. You puked on the cab ride, and managed to completely contain it in your purse. the cabbie was even impressed.
Officially not baby mama #3. Celebration is in order.
Randomize
