I'm not unpopping my collar. This shirt is too expensive to crease.
i just pooped in tubberware. not a proud day
I just caught myself dancing like an old lady in the shower. Have I reached the age where booty dancing stops and swaying of the upper body begins?
are you just going to ignore any texts involving my penis from now on? because thats going to shut down a pretty sizeable portion of our conversations.
We're not too concerned with getting her out of jail. We're on a mission for donuts.
Aparently his snake got loose in the middle of the night. Not a sex joke, he has a fucking snake
I wonder if that one guy remembers you sticking salami to his forehead when he was passed out on new years eve.
She keeps telling me I can't keep feeding the dog my food. I gave half the weed brownie to the dog and half to me. I just want it to taste the greatness of cheezits like I am.
I just saw a black chick with an eyepatch. This is a once in a lifetime opportunity.
No we are not "bros" because I came out of my moms vagina& you went in there.
There. Isnt. A. Single. Person. Who. Is. Not. High. At. Church.
He's not drinking on his 21st. Shooting vodka infused Nerf bullets at him would just make a mess and I don't want to be a creep and spike anything... I don't understand awkward boys
Also I'm so used to having sex with river guides that when he pulled out a condom I was actually surprised
she crawled a good forty meters just to whisper in my ear... "dildon't"
hey sweets how's ur crotch today?
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