Scream out, "Tax-Free dick over here" in the bar. Ladies love tax free stuff
Mango Malibu should win a nobel peace prize
It'll be just me and my penis against the world.
We didn't have a blender so we made the margaritas by running over a garbagebag full of ice with the car and then stirring it with a knife in a French-press coffee pot. CAN YOU SAY RESOURCEFUL?
sorry can't make it tonight, greg's getting back from italy. he's had two weeks of carbs and no gym; now's my chance to get myself a piece of that newly-fat, low self-esteemed ass.
Also, we accidentally donated a bong to goodwill
I have discovered that there is nothing that a giant penis attached to a southern accent can't talk me into. yee-haw!
That awkward moment when you can't tell what smells like tacos: you, the cat, or the strange guys blanket your so tenderly swaddled in.
Well you wanna do it now or later? I've had three shots and I'm listening to journey by myself. Emotionally there is no better prime time than right now.
This hobo said he can't buy alcohol bc he got in trouble bc a girl sat on his face when he was passed out and misaligned his spine and gave him Alzheimer's so Ali is buying him a bottle. This is Vegas.
Doing laundry. My jeans from last night smell like chicken wings and motor oil.
I had tater tots and weed with a stripper at 4am who compared the size of my boob to her head because fuck you my life rocks
OMFG. JUST WALKED IN ON A DUDE JERKING IT IN THE MCDONALDS BATHROOM
Stall or urinal?
I don't care that he's really strong. I need him to make me cum not fix my back problems
Bowls and Harry Potter this morning. I guess work isn't so bad after all
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