Is it normal to miss your booty call?
My Mom bought me a vibrating toothbrush. Maybe this is her way of apologizing for throwing away my other thing that vibrated.
I knew I was in the wrong bar when "I have a daughter your age" was some random's pick up line.
He ended up letting us go, I think he just felt sorry for us. It's the only time that my night's gotten worse after I've taken my pants off.
He was ugly. Like horse ugly. But he was built for power, not for speed.
I'm sitting at my desk looking through our payroll system photos to find my next boyfriend. Abuse of power or awesome?
Dude so coolest charity idea ever, think aids walk but instead of miles you drink beers oh the possibilities
You screamed "there will be blood" and punched some random guy in the face. So no, we can't go back to that bar.
The guys in the quick check just recognized me as the girl who bought rolling papers and whipped cream. This is the walk of shame on crack.
In the 2nd smartest move of my day your ringtone for when you call is now the Space Jam theme.
...and that is the first time I've ever wished fewer naked women on someone I like.
AHHHHHHHHH. I LEFT A GLASS NEXT TO ME WHEN I FELL ASLEEP I'M SO SURE IT WAS WATER BUT NOW IT'S VODKA JESUS MADE A STOP
How did you tell her we met?
I told her that we met at the sex shop down the street, I thought it would be the most reasonable explanation.
Crying into a glass of wine at 10 am isn't exactly how I planned this day to go
I just told my mormon professor that I was late because I was getting a STD test... good start to the day.
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