Tell me I did not drive one hour for whiskey dick.
The last two calls in my phone are dominos and 911. I'm not sure how my night went.
I wouldn't really call it 'getting lucky' considering I paid her to do it.
Going to get yelled at but I labeled the reel "four dried up sluts decide going to the middle east to shop during a war is the best idea ever"
he told me he was a chubby chaser.. then winked. i'm signing up for a gym pass as we speak
How does me getting a new dildo make you crave olive garden
he stopped talking to me after i tried to use his body as a surf board
it's a gatorade, cheez its, and regret kind of morning....
Hey since its national brother week is that eiffel tower option with your girlfriend still on the table?
Haha you were definitely messed up. Let me know if you need anything
Could really use a time machine and a higher self esteem, in that order
If I take diet pills with my edibles I'll be a perfect person
After i finished him. He goes "youre a champion"... Then whispers "forever"
like are we talking 'quick beer' bad or 'break out the real vodka' bad
She asked if she should pack the condoms, I told her I plan on drinking so much that it won't be possible.
Last time I was blackout at Cowbells I was running around screaming “WHERES THE BLOOOWWWW”
Randomize
