She looked like cheddar but tasted like limburger...
the drag queen on stage looks like shes wearing the EXACT same dress i wore 2 senior prom.
Margaritas ran out of lime juice. Substituted Jaeger. Jaegerita not good.
I woke up face first on my living room floor arms outstretched toward the christmas tree
I feel like I spend my weeks apologizing for my weekends.
Woke up handcuffed to a half gallon of beam. Yep. This is my life.
I have their Unicorn picture in my shirt, and I just threw a Bud Light Platinum bottle through their window. We need to go now.
Somewhere between the 30 minutes of cunnilingus, the improvised song about the Olympics, and the super thoughtful shower beer... I knew I married the right guy
I'm going to make out with someone. I'm on a mission. I don't even care if I'm wearing beer goggles. As long as he's not shorter than me, gay, or a woman.
I don't have any bail money, if that's where this conversation is going
Slutty summer 2013 has officially started. I did accidentally bite a dick though.
Sometimes you've gotta crawl to stay concious
Oh and .... you'll love this: my life coach says you writing my online dating profile isn't a horrible idea.
the bouncer just handed me a Starbucks bag of pound cake
If sleeping with your boss doesnt scream job security i dont know what does.
Randomize
