When the phrase "Wow your huge" came out of her mouth I knew it was gonna be a good night.
I have sucked so much dick this week I think I am going to start sweating semen
Come find me please? Im in a ditch.
That doesn't help me much...
I'm right under the moon!
I put an asterick after the names of people in my phone that I've fucked. Both as a form of bragging, and also so I can actually remember all their names.
Rehydrating your liver back to life is never a good idea.
You were so drunk last night you thought you force pushed the automatic door open.
i made sure not to drool on your bed by putting my hoodie on backwards and swaddling my face in the hood
you didn't want to pay for the shots so you negotiated with the bartenders. Apparently 1 shot is worth 5 seconds of motor-boating you.
just bought myself a "your about to get violated in every way so you deserve this chipotle" steak bowl.
lets start a news segment called WHY IS LEOS CROTCH BURNING TODAY
Ran into my statistics professor at the bar, he chugged a car bomb and yelled "x bar mothfucker!". On average I'm loving this PhD program.
OKAY THAT'S CREEPY AND I'D PROBABLY ACCIDENTLY ORGASM
sometimes i like to lay one the floor and pretend im a carrot.
Bahahaha I just turned on the fan in front of the elliptical to avoid puking//try to get some baywatch hair going and the guy next to me thanked me because he was "getting nauseas from the smell of stale sweat and tequila"
Fuck your bullshit loser kid and his gluten allergy.
Randomize
