i had a dream the other night i was titty fucking you while you were asleep, then you woke up and didn't care.
Can we talk about the cons of throwing up in the bathtub. there are no pros.
stop calling my apartment porn island.
Why does every girl think its ok to cheat on their boyfriends with me?
So my earrings and necklace kept jingling and hitting him in the face, and he told me felt like he was fucking a Christmas tree
She's "scared" of blowjobs, so she just played with it for a while.
You kept challenging people to a cartwheel contest...when someone finally agreed, you cartwheeled into some chicks face, then tried to propose to her as an apology. Fyi, she said no
Whenever I'm not in the mood and don't want to go to bed swampy, I just strategically suck him off during the second period intermission of the Cup playoffs and he leaves me alone and does the dishes. It's a win-win.
Your drunk naked friend is roaming the living room. Started roaming my room. Please come retrieve him
Bought a gym bag tonight. Used it to bring my Taco Bell in the house.
I nicknamed her "Jackhammer" for the way she gave me a handjob. My balls were in constant pain
Currently doing the walk of shame out of some random girls house with my boyfriend. Talk about relationship goals.
You stumbled in the door as high as a kite, & ran into the table. I asked you if you were all right. You replied with "I don't have any soup."
im gonna miss him. and by him, i mean his dick
So I just accidentally joined a bar crawl and got a free shotski of Jameson. I love life.
Randomize
