yes i saw that this morning. it was my mailbox.
When you're on the hood of a car, 10 mph feels pretty fucking fast.
As per my father's affair, married men are no longer off limits.
woke up laying on an empty pizza box and some guy was doing blow off my butt...i guess i should thank you.
I thought of you this morning when I woke up in a bed with a girl wrapped in duct tape dressed as a coors light can.
There is a drunk marine passed out on my porch. Mandy wouldn't sleep with him, Can you please come remove him?
As the bouncer was escorting you out, you yelled "keep your filthy dick beaters off me!"
This is not 2004 anymore. It's not acceptable to get fingered while watching 'Ferngully' in a basement full of your friends.
I had sex while you were puking this morning and I'm sorry. Kind of.
It's ok. I had sex while you were drunk crying last night. We're even.
My neighbor is burning all of her ex's things in a metal drum outside the window. Guess who's going to make a new friend?
I think it's getting serious, we started a jigsaw puzzle together.
This feels more like a conference of all the people I've fucked in the past year.
Looks like taco salad for lunch. I may have died and gone to be better circle in hell than I thought.
I woke up this morning hand cuffed to the bed with three bruised ribs and Amy written in lipstick on my chest... what happen lastnite??
I'm just going to tell you this I knocked up your girlfriend. I didn't mean to I thought it was somebody else I wasn't drunk but it was dark.
The truth is better her than my wife.
Randomize
