Rocking a Headband at the strip club, because of Rock of Love this shit is like their kryptonite, I smell like stripper butter and back child support.
Just met a girl...She is complaining why on facebook you can't have more then one "open relationship"
I dont know how i feel about her from a moral standpoint...
Disregard any previous text from the past 12 hours. Except for the one about scoring a strike while drunk bowling. Remember that one.
He knows as soon as he hits chameleon eye status drunk, he is guaranteed to piss the bed we NEED to push him there
Don't freak out about the couches in the driveway. We tried to unpack the uhaul drunk.
We glued Jenga blocks together, called it "magic blocks" and sold it to the stoners for $50 and a bottle of Henny
you had acid sex with the barista. why is my bucket list your tuesday?
He's a Shit stain on my heart
I'm pretty sure at any given moment you could wring out my liver and get a couple of shots of jäger.
just used my amazon order history to figure out my anniversary. I am the most epic/shittiest bf ever...
someone in the elevator just told me i looked like a struggle but i smell very pretty..
Am I required to send a Christmas card to my fuck buddy?
I feel fine lol. I tried climbing a tree but the branch broke and I got arrested.
I don't think you could pull off being mean.
How do you think I'm still single?
He looks like Aladdin, and that's about all he's got going for him.
Randomize
