Drunk in a bar in Texas. The 24 y/o hottie I am chatting up just called me a male cougar. I am dealing with this whole turning 40 thing juuuust fine.
hey can i ask you a kinda weird question?
i know what the question is. yes they are bigger, and no i did not get plastic surgery
found a strand of your hair in my car. it's 1 ft 7 inches long
wtf you measured my hair?
I just wished the taco bell drive thru guy a happy cinco de mayo. Who says arizonians hate mexicans?
Did he make you just lay your head next to his cock and talk to it again?
there are some nice people on this island. free ride free pancakes and they even prayed for us when they dropped us off
Oh nbd. She just had sex with a divorcee. On a charter bus. At 10 a.m. On a Thursday.
He texted me saying that his mom found my nuva ring in their jacuzzi filter. I don't think I'm welcome back anytime soon.
So we were having sex and his roommate walks in eating a bag of chips. Then proceeds to talk to us about his bitch of a professor.
Did he at least offer you guys chips?
I mean like if I stood up my head might pull me down like an anchor
So much easier to puke and rally now that my gluten's under control
we are the apple cider girls!
...I'm not a booty call or a pizza...you can't just call/text and expect to be eating me in an hour..
I just wish he'd leave so I can vomit in peace.
wtf I can't believe that bar tender told on me to my mom
Had to clear my browser history. I figured if she used the search bar and her name came up, it might be a little creepy.
Randomize
