when did we get so old that our friends started having LEGITIMATE children?
Did we have sex last night or did we just wake up naked covered in oil?
Drinking at work by myself... My boss just walked into me copying my face on the copy machine..
that's why you don't digest questionable powders from girls wearing tutus at a dirty club
Dude. 21 days till I'm 21. It's the 21 day countdown. The 25 days of Christmas can suck my dick.
Like do you realize his dealer came out with a gun and we laughed like it was all just fun and games...
She kept talking about how amazing the banana she had yesterday was. Don't know if it was innuendo, stoned, or just a really amazing banana.
BTW the amount of schmoozing I am doing towards some guy for an ID that may or may not look like you... You better love me.
Wait. You NEVER used a Dizzy Doodler pen as a vibrator?!?
Whenever I'm hungover I try to stay in public as much as possible, hoping to be a cautionary tale to children. It's a public service, really.
TSA literally pulled two bottles of whiskey out of my bag. Once he saw the leopard print socks and the mickey mouse tank, he put it back in my bag and said "Have a fun trip, man."
I mean, I'm shallow, narcissistic, and selfish, but I'm an amazing friend sometimes
My liver is going to reject life during Greek Week
How many liver transplants can a person have? Bc you may need a couple
I just checked and if you bring a picture of your ex they will shred it and give you a free 'hater shot'. Would it be too much to print off one of their wedding pictures and bring it?
I really love that you're not going the 'why am I not married and having a kid yet?' route, but rather 'thank god I dodged that bullet'
oh he pulled my dick out. wanna come over after he leaves
GET OFF YOUR PHONE
Randomize
