I don't know what's more sad: The fact that he fingered the side of my leg, or the fact that the side of my leg feels like a vagina.
Just heard the garage door open and I immediately sprinted to the laptop to erase history, even though I haven't watched porn today...I believe Pavlov now.
I'm pretty sure I have a cold now from having sex on the hood of my car in the rain. Worth it? Absolutely.
Sex in the corn maze.....not as good as advertised.
I didn't notice because vodka
Learn from me. Do not smoke cigs and fold laundry in your room. The cigarette will fall into the dresser without you noticing and your shirts will be on fire. Wanna go shopping tomorrow? I need some new shirts.
Running my fingers through my hair is like that scene from Patch Adams where the girl goes swimming in a pool of spaghetti. I love molly.
I think I heard my penis growl. Wanna do lunch?
Being pregnant feels like you have a hangover everyday.. Don't listen to what anyone says about how wonderful it is
What did we do lastnight that resulted in a $1,896 charge on my credit card with a $2,000 limit
Weddings might be fun but they are not getting fucked in the wilderness fun.
I tried to face swap with Chuck Norris. His face was too powerful... it broke my snap chat.
Just got hit on via LinkedIn..do I capitalize on this opportunity/land a job or reply something sassy
Why didn't we pregame for this?
Because it's breakfast!?!
I made out with the hosts' boyfriend, infront of her, drank way too much, slept in my car and convinced everyone that I'm really a nice person. If that's not skilled lying, I don't know what is.
Randomize
