Why don't I have your new number? And who have I been texting?
can we get nightvision for the apartment?
bring the vodka.
i thought we were going to mcdonalds..?
we are.
It was odd. His friends dick tasted the same as his. Friends are beginning to have to much in common
u got into a flexing contest with a dude in bathroom in the mirror at the club
Her mom walked into the garage as we were smoking a kush blunt with sombreros on.
HOW IS IT EARTHLY POSSIBLE TO DO THAT MUCH DAMAGE WITH JUST MY THUMBS?? HOW???
If your plan is to re-bang every girl you banged in high school - you're gonna need a spread sheet and clip board.
my balls were so many shades of blue last night I could have used them as paint and replicated the entirety of Picaso's blue period. The girl was an art major I feel like this metaphor is appropriate.
and the oscar for 'most creative swearing' goes to you for 'jesus's bloody fucksticks'
Imma do four shots of whisky within two minutes and pass out. Otherwise this'll go badly.
Made it to my hair appointment on time, and got some dick. Today is already a great day
Tonight I'm getting fucked up for America because Lord knows we need it.
They think I'm one of them. I'm about to get drunk in a Santa suit and bust down the door singing Christmas carols.
I'm still thinking about that amazing orgasm last night. I literally heard angels singing "Hallelujah!!"
Randomize
